At the same time, my heart aches a bit at the thought of Caleb losing his status as our only child. As his mama, this experience is truly bittersweet for me. After all, since 2013 - for almost 2 years now - it's just been Caleb and me. Of course, B has been around to love on him too. But the majority of every day has been spent with just mama and Caleb. Playing. Cuddling. Laughing. Learning. Loving. And I've cherished every. sweet. second. with my precious boy. It's been so freeing to love someone so unabashedly and wholeheartedly. Caleb truly has given me a new purpose in life, and I would never change that for anything in this world.
Deep down, I have a calm reassurance about everything. I know that it will all fall into place just as it is meant to. I know that each of my children will hold a special place in my heart - a place of their very own. I understand that my love will be equal for them both, but that at the same time, the love might be different for each as well. After all, they will be different little people, with different personalities and preferences. Despite the reassurance that I feel, I still worry. I worry that I am not ready for two children. I worry that my mothering is not up to par for that. I worry that they will need more than I can give.
I just worry.
I am particularly good at worrying. In the weeks leading up to Caleb's birth, I remember worrying about a lot of the same things. Was I ready to be a mother? Would I be a good one? Would Caleb love me back? Would mothering instincts come naturally to me? I thought of it all. And worried about it all. And now, 2 years later, I can see the answers to my questions right in front of my eyes. Plain as day. I may not be the best mother in the world. But, I am the best mother for my son. I may not have been ready to have him when he arrived - but no one ever really is. As soon as he was placed in my arms, he taught me what becoming a mother was all about. And he's been teaching me ever since. I am certainly not perfect, and will never be a perfect mother. But my son wants for nothing, especially not love. And his love for me? Well, it's indisputable. From the day he was born, he was turning his tiny little head toward the sound of my voice and reaching for me. I have never doubted his love for me. His unwavering trust that I love him and will provide for him. It's such a privilege. His love is an honor that I know I don't deserve.
Fellow mamas: we may never be perfect, but we were chosen for our children for a reason.